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ISBN 0-595-32257-3
Together with Ms. Hulihan, a Hollyweird producer with M.S. I've hooked up with, I just finished a book on coping with disabilities. Sharon and I both have M.S. (Sharon uses a walker or scooter, and I have been dependent on a power wheelchair since 1985). We have never met, but thanks to the Internet we have done a bi-coastal collaboration to assemble funny/humorous anecdotes/short stories for the chapters below. Things that people with disabilities (ANY disability) have encountered/experienced, and that are funny in any of the following ways (see chapter listing below and samples [NOTE: The below sample material is copyrighted by F. Alexander Brejcha, ©2003). The idea of this book is to teach other people with disabilities that is okay to laugh at ourselves. In fact. at times it can be the best way to survive difficult situations. Laugh or cry? Not a tough choice. And we want the temporarily enabled world to see that we can have a sense of humor -- and to invite them to laugh with us. Because soon enough they'll be right there with us; either through age, accident, or late onset disability. To be crude: shit happens. Better to be ready to be able to help survive it through humor.
We're planning a sequel (Still Laughing and Crying: More on the Lighter Side of disABILITIES), so any contributions are welcome.
Laugh or Cry: Finding the Lighter Side of Disabilities
Part One: Funny at the time (self-explanatory, but see sample #1)
Part Two: Funny/Frustrating - or is that Frustrating/Funny? (things that were both at once - see sample #2 below)
Part Three: Laugh or Cry (things that were frustrating or scary at the time, but funny or re-assuring in retrospect. See sample #3)
Part Four: Funny If over 18 (tastefully risqué - no vulgar or obscene material. See sample #4)
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SAMPLE #1:
"Sorry Father " by F. Alexander Brejcha (M.S., wheelchair user)
Some years ago I was a guest writer at a science fiction convention and I gave a panel on technology and disabilities and I was discussing how disabilities are being helped and overcome through technology hard and soft. In the latter category are simple things like adapted eating utensils, L-shaped foot braces that keep feet from dragging when walking; and urinary appliances that - to be blunt - keep you from peeing in your pants if you have continence problems. This is common with M.S. - which is my problem. For women, the only solution is to use one of the increasingly effective incontinence pads like Poise or Serenity. But for men, who have more practical "external plumbing", there is an elegant and discrete solution called the "Texas" catheter (Don't ask: I don't know why, either).
But Texas catheters attach like an adhesive condom and connect with a tube to a leg bag discretely hidden under pants to conquer embarrassments from incontinence. I was trying to think of an effective but snappy and amusing description, when it hit me: "They are my Catholic condoms," I said brilliantly -- just as I noticed the Priest sitting in the audience. Keeping my cool, I finished my lecture and after signing a few autographs headed back for where the Priest was obviously waiting for me (he had signaled but made it clear he would wait). I'm not Catholic, but I respect the profession and I was sorry if I had offended him. But as I rolled up to him, he just smiled and shook my hand.
"Relax, son. God has a sense of humor. I just wanted information on those catheters - it might help keep one of my parishioners in his seat longer."
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SAMPLE #2: (Funny/frustrating)
"I had no idea!" by F. Alexander Brejcha, M.S., wheelchair user
I work the overnight shift - alone - and while I have attendants who do a bowel program on me at home every two days so I won't have any accidents, occasionally I do. It used to be that I could pull out a bed-side commode from the bathroom and position it so I could pull down my pants and transfer to the commode from the wheelchair and do... my business, and then clean up, transfer back to the wheelchair to pull up my pants (tough because of the cushion in the chair). But then I could dispose of any 'evidence', spray some air freshener, and have everything back to 'normal' by the time the morning shift arrived.
However, due to progression of my M.S., I can no longer get my pants off or on alone from the power chair, or transfer to or from the commode; and sometimes the bowel movement comes on so suddenly and strongly that there isn't time to get help. But usually the night escort, the nursing supervisor, or one of the stronger male nurses can come down to help me transfer and get my pants down so I can do my thing (they go back to work until I call them back). Then they 'clean me up', transfer me back and get my pants up.
This is where the universal regard the hospital staff have for me count! However, on occasions when I can't get on the commode in time, there is a major clean up effort needed and sometimes it takes two people to clean me up. One night I was in this conundrum and found myself laughing in spite of myself. Two male nurses came to my rescue (I weigh close to 200 pounds of dead weight) in order to properly clean me and put on some operating room scrub pants, one (strong!) person has to stand in front of me and pull me up to a standing position.
Luckily "John" is very tall and very strong, and he was able to stand me up and hold me so that the other nurse was able to adequately clean me. But it so happens that "John" is gay. It never mattered to me as he is a great guy and fantastic nurse, but there I was, bare-assed and being held up (tightly held out of necessity) by John - just as one of the nurses who knows us both came sailing in the door (we forgot to lock it) to get a battery. She stood there with her jaw on the floor for a moment, and the smiled.
To her credit, she realized what was going on immediately (her nose might have given her a hint) and she diplomatically retreated - locking the door. But as she left, she couldn't resist teasing me with a meaningful look at John and a sly: "Gee, Alex, I never knew. Does your wife?".
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SAMPLE #3 (Laugh or Cry)
"Can I get you some ketchup, dear?" by F. Alexander Brejcha
In the end of 2001 I took my wife in for a breast biopsy as her mammogram had been positive (luckily a false positive with a negative biopsy!), and what happened afterwards made us regret (after the fact) that there was no video camera on site - or we could have made some money.
My wife also has M.S. and she uses a scooter when we go out, but she can stand to transfer and walk a bit with some support or a walker. Well, since the cafeteria at Philadelphia's Pennsylvania Hospital is excellent, we decided to get some lunch after the biopsy. We got our food, found a table, and I rolled over to the condiment table to get some utensils and condiments while my wife transferred to a chair at the table.
Hungry and not wanting the food to get cold, I made it a quick trip and rolled back to our table. I use a powerful motorized wheelchair with a joystick control and as I got back to the table, a camera should have been rolling because I got a little too close, and the top of my joystick got caught and jammed under the table. My chair can go eight miles an hour and I always keep it on 3/4 power as I usually roll pretty quick and I can control my chair well (17 years practice), but when the chair control jammed under the table, I started rolling forward quickly, shoving the table - and my wife across the cafeteria!
A crossbar under the table also caught her across the knees (painful, but lucky since she might have tipped over backwards otherwise), and the edge of the table... yup, it caught her right in the breast that had just been biopsied! I don't know which sound was louder: the screeching of the table, my wife's pained exclamation, or my guilty gasp as I tried to switch the chair off. We were both close to tears from the shock, and I immediately took her back to the doctor to be checked (no damage, not even a bruise).
But as we drove home and the adrenaline wore off we both cracked up laughing and at the same time said: "that should have been filmed!" It was so slapstick! But I was sick to my stomach at the time just thinking about it. Luckily my wife is patient and understanding.
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SAMPLE #4 (Funny if over 18)
"Oops! Sorry, dear!", by F. Alexander Brejcha
Some years ago I was dating a neighbor, and we were in bed enjoying ourselves. She is a BIG woman :sarcasm: who is 4 foot 6 inches and weighs 77 pounds (she has Turner's Syndrome) which was nice, as it made it easier to pay attention to 'all of her' when in bed.
Well, she was in front of me and her bracelet which was cold, touched me on my bare thigh and it triggered a strong extensor spasm and my right leg shot out -- suddenly straightening and literally throwing her out of bed! Looking up at me from the floor as she picked herself up, she grinned teasingly: "Change your mind, honey?"
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