"Cry Havoc! Let slip the flying pigs!"
see: Official Commonwealth of Barcodia Web Site
07-04-1998 08:08 GMT BRUSSELS, BELGIUM (ATE News)"A little revolution is a good thing ... once in a while."
. . . A small faction of "milk-drinking and cheese-eating Barcodians" are challenging El Presidente Francisco Alvarado's social policies in the virtual Commonwealth of Barcodia, according to a high-placed obfuscating colonel in the Barcodian Air Force (BAF), who wishes to remain anonymous. El Presidente called for an "imminent meeting to prevent revolution."
The MagneticStripcodians are a small group of three-dimensional non-violent Barcodians trekking in the dense mountainous region of the Barcodian province of Visa (Stripcodians call it Vistania). The Stripcodians have been in "secret negotiations" with three other Barcodian factions, who all have outstanding claims on the 8-ounce cup of sovereign soil now being stored in a Belgium Bank safe deposit box. A spokesperson for the group said that this new coalition will "only seek peaceful means to bring Barcodia into the 21st century."
In the past, these factions have lobbied for access to the small qualities of sand in the 8-ounce cup, and are now apparently combining to challenge the "fatuous social policies" imposed on all the contrived citizens of Barcodia. But spokespersons for all the groups have emphasized that they always have strongly and unanimously supported all the fiscal and economic policies of the commonwealth. The Naturalize Non-Virgins Committee, the Cows Can Fly Too Association (CCFA), and the 8th-Dimensional Freedom Society have all vowed to continue to support El Presidente Francisco Alvarado's leadership, "no matter how pending negotiations workout."
"It's some of the social policies that we have a problem with," declared a lonely executive in the Naturalize Non-Virgins Committee (NNV). "We just want to know what El Presidente's definition of a virgin is. It's a question of rhetoric, but the Alvarado regime has been avoiding fully addressing this pressing issue." The committee vows to eat up valuable server space with twaddle and babble in preparations for the upcoming negotiations. "Allowing non-virgins into the Commonwealth of Barcodia shouldn't adversely impact the happiness currently enjoyed by all of this great nation's citizens," declared one NNV supporter.
"I think it all comes down to pigs and cows," said one disgruntled Stripcodian major of the illustrious BAF Royal Yellow Flying Pigs wing. "It all started with El Presidente Alvarado's decision to exclusively deploy the P-1 Flying Pigs for use by the nation. "If you fly enough peace-sorties on a Flying Pig, you begin to loose the desire for red meat and dairy products." As a supporter of the Cows Can Fly Too Association, the maladjusted major vowed to educate fellow flyers that "although BAF Flying Pigs are the best in the world, some Flying Cows could provide needed diversification in the unlikely event that new technologies being developed in the future render Flying Pigs vulnerable. But more importantly, variety is the spice of life .... and Flying Pigs need long vacations too."
Official documents provided by a former Barcodian intelligence officer reveal that the shadiest faction to attend the upcoming negotiations is a group of nomadic thrill-seeking milk-drinking techno-gypsies. "Most Barcodians have always thought in two-dimensions, just look at our flag!" averred a salacious spokesperson for the splinter group now calling itself the 8th Dimensional Freedom Society. They cite "... new scanning technologies, the Year 2000 bug incompatibility problems, and the second-coming all could combine to render the comfortable Barcodian two-dimensional way of life obsolete." Eminent Barcodian physicists, technowennies and mystics concede that it is possible that "... we might have to allow for eight dimensions in order to be at harmony with our neighbors and the universe." El Presidente Francisco Alvarado allowed that "... harmony has been shown to increase the likelihood of captial investments, which consequently permits more time for vacationing for all Barcodian citizens."
Most experts agree that new developments in scanning technology -- including Integrated Circuit (IC) chip (physical characteristics defined by ISO 7816-1) and the contact-less type (ISO 10536) -- will inevitably force Barcodians into a third dimension (3d). These new technologies might force a change in the National Currency but there have been no calls by any of these groups to change the name of the commonwealth, however a Royal Commission has been established to research the feasibility of making the Barcodian flag 3d.
8th dimensioners (8ders) further claim that the Year 2000 bug solution (4d), combined with the mystical multiplying factor (MMF) of a second-coming ( x 2d) "... might force us to allow for the possibility of eight dimensions ... ergo 8d." Some 8ders claim that those old technowennies knew all along what future havoc would be experienced by their decision to use a 2-digit date instead of a 4-digit date in the code. Some speculate that it was all "... done to ensure job security in the future." One odious 8der exclaimed incredulously, "I cannot believe that all those COBOL programmers were thinking 2 instead of 4 ... not looking beyond the tip of their nose. Barcodians must learn from this and begin to think in 8 dimensions."
Dimensional Thought negotiations between the factions and El Presidente Francisco Alvarado are scheduled to take place next Wednesday somewhere on a undisclosed remote island , from 8:00AM to 8:08AM. One delegate was quoted as saying, "The best thing we ever did was that National Policy of Appeasement Act. All meetings have become so brief. We'll solve our differences in one sitting! I just hope the water's warm and the surf's up ..."
All Barcodians dislike meetings and love big waves.- sjb, freelance contributor to ATE News Service
sjustus@ix.netcom.com
see: Official Commonwealth of Barcodia Web Site
Disclaimer: Immediately see a Jungian mental health professional if you believe any of this twaddle.