Hello to all ye: Okay, Okay here's the horse head story straight from the "horse's mouth," so to speak. Now be honest...who among you really thought that I would NOT use that cliche to start this off.
Well sir, it was like this. Long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away there lived a young Jedi knight who was dating a fair maiden known as Princess Marlene. It seems the fair princess let the young knight know that she was thinking of doing a science project for high school and wanted the skull of a horse as part of her presentation. Now the young knight was going through his stupid stage of life where he hung on every word uttered by the fair maiden and for that matter any other fair maiden who had a bod to die for. But I digress... So one day she was thinking out loud and just happened to mention in passing that she was going to do said project with the aforementioned horse head skull. The young knight thought to himself, "Self," he thought, "Here's my chance to score a few points with the fair maiden." So he set out on a quest. He knew from his knowledge of horses and other interesting things that there was a place in a village called Morgantown, Penna., a mere four hours away, which was commonly referred to as the 'horse killers' where folks in those parts often sent horses when they got so old that they were of no use to anyone anymore. There they were killed and dismembered yudda, yudda, yudda. You can guess the rest. You probably ate some for dinner yesterday or the last time you were at a ballpark. Thus, I digress again.
Our young knight arranged to have a day off from work to fulfill his quest to obtain the "head of the horse" for the young virgin maiden, in his mind only, the fair Princess Marlene. He climbed into his mechanical horse called Corvair and off he went. After what seemed like a four hour journey he arrived at his destination. After seeking nourishment at the end of his journey he entered the place and was in no way prepared for what he saw or smelled or witnessed. Before entering the place he saw a large stock truck filled with cattle that were dead, of course, and appeared bloated. They were tossed in the truck in the same manner that a child would put a handful of toy animals into his toy box. They looked like they were just thrown in. No one attempted to stand them up in a row so as to fool anyone who saw the truck. Nope, they were dead alright. Trying not to dwell on the subject for too long our knight, Mr. Fearless, proceeded into a very large barn/factory building and saw large animals assumed to be horses or mules hanging from the ceiling by their hind legs in various stages of dismemberment. Undaunted by these sights our hero trudged forward past large 55 gallon containers of various internal organs all separated, maybe alphabetical for all he knew, by type. He saw hearts, kidneys, intestines...you name it, but don't do it here. He passed a mountain of horse hides that were neatly pulled from the carcuses of former horses. They reminded him of those two man horse costumes that you would see on TV when the guy in the back who was bent over with his head in the front guys butt complained every time the front guy farted...but I digress. Back to the story.
The heads and hoofs were still attached to the animals hanging from the ceiling. I mention all of this to you so you can get some idea of the holy quest that was taken by our young hero in the name of love. Onward and onward our young knight trudged until he reached the end of his quest which was to talk to the Lord of the empire otherwise known as the boss or foreman who looked rather puzzled that one so young and so innocent would venture to such an evil place as this. (As the old has been Jedi looks back on it now he now knows that the young Jedi went over to the dark side of the force by even considering such a venture) Back to the story...The foreman asked our hero what was his purpose for venturing to this evil place. Our hero's eyes were fixed on a pile of horse hoofs which were about two feet from where he stood as he slowly told his story as to why he was in need of a head from a horse. He was told that he would have to settle for the head of a mule because there were no horse's heads available that day. (Remember now that mules are sometimes bigger than the average horse) Undaunted by this the brave knight agreed to the switch after all in the first place he didn't come all this was only to return empty handed and in the second place who would know the difference. Only he. The attendant asked for fifty cents for the cost of the head. A token amount he thought to himself. The knight thought he was getting off cheap. Oh if he only knew. The forces of the dark side were beginning to wrap themselves around our young hero like the coils of a constrictor wraps it's coils around it's victim before it squeezes the life out of it. The attendant picked up a large hook type device and after rummaging around a pile of animal parts yanked out this mule's head. The trunk of the Corvair, which is in the front of the vehicle, was opened and the item placed on newspapers in a large pan that was brought for this purpose. Our hero bid fair well, made a hasty exit and never looked back. (See the attached picture if you would like to see exactly to what lengths our hero would go in the name of love. (back then) Note: Now-a- days he won't pick up the remote and change the channel. JJP
Our young Jedi wanted to get home as soon as possible. The previous challenge proved to be even more than he expected. The ride home also proved to be a challenge. For some unknown reason traffic was a bit heavy on the Penna. Turnpike. Our hero found himself in the left lane trying to pull past other slower horses when what to his wondering eyes should appear in his rear-view mirror but headlights of someone far far behind him obviously in a hurry. Not meaning to hold up this person, who was obviously in a hurry, and on a mission of his own, our knight who was stuck out into the passing lane saw no way to get into the right hand lane. But wait a minute, up ahead far far ahead was a slight opening. I know, said he, I'll speed up and get out of this lane so that poor guy behind me who is obviously in a hurry to get somewhere can get there. He felt so proud of himself when he put the pedal to the medal and finally pulled into the right hand lane, but wait. What's this? Can it be? Yes it is. In the wink of an eye our hero had the truth revealed to him. (It doesn't pay to give in to the evil side of the force.) Those lights of the vehicle in a hurry was actually a Penna. State Police car who was after him for speeding and is now right behind him with red lights flashing. "Well golly," said the knight, "can it be that I was in the wrong?" He was. The state trooper explained that he was going 85 mph but didn't appreciate the explanation about speeding up to get out of his way. Out knight, devious as he was, said a short prayer and hoped that the trooper would ask him to open his trunk so he could examine it's contents. He didn't. Curses, foiled again! Interestingly enough not only did our hero get a ticket for speeding that day but the very next day got another ticket for not coming to a complete stop at a stop sigh in a small Borough or hamlet known as Bryn Athyn by one of their own local yokel cops while completing his appointed rounds in a Postal Mail truck. Me thinks he only lost his license for a month. (Once again it didn't pay to give in to the evil side of the force.)
MEANWHILE back to the story. Our brave knight pondered and pondered as to how he was going to remove all of the flesh from the bones so he cold present his gift to his fair maiden the Princess Marlene, in case you forgot her name, and reap the rewards. He called medical schools because he knew that real human skeletons were cleaned somehow. They suggested everything from acids to flesh eating worms and other things that he can't remember. He decided to use one of the suggestions of boiling the 'head'. He thought this the best route to take because he pondered questions like How to remove the brains and cool things like that that you don't normally think about unless you have a 'head' to boil. The Head was removed from Corvair and put along with the pot on the ground while he prepared the fire and large drum of water which was a steel fifty gallon drum that just happened to be available for this purpose. He decided to bite the bullet and with all the courage he could call upon took/borrowed his mothers best large carving knife and proceeded to remove as much of the flesh as he could to eliminate the 'cooking' time in the pot. (Once again, see the attached picture to see what our young friend was up against in my formative years) A neighbors dog just happened by and upon seeing the head looking back at him went 'crazy' for lack of a better term. Meanwhile, when the carving was done and the head safely in the pot boiling away our young knight proceeded to return the carving knife to the kitchen. He washed it thoroughly. His Mother, being a loving understanding person that she was, tossed the knife outside onto the lawn and uttered the words,"I don't ever want to see that thing in this hose again" at that point her head spun around completely 360 degrees and I think she puked pea soup. The fire roared late into the night. The next morning our Jedi warrior noted to himself how the whole neighborhood smelled like roast beef cooking. "Interesting," thought he, and filed that experience deep into his brain.
The head never did get into the hands of the fair maiden Marlene. Like most maidens and our hero himself has learned over the years, often times ones out loud thoughts don't necessarily indicate what they really want to do. Needless to say, all he got for his brave deed was a Head. Not head but a 'head'. Over the years the 'head' was called to duty many times. One Halloween, shortly thereafter, a neighbor known as Sir Kenny Erk hooked the 'head' up on our front lawn with a dim red light inside the skull and a speaker in the mouth and would utter scary sounds to any kid who wandered near our house. We were wondering why no one came to our house that year. Then it served time at Aunt Dolores house where, I believe, one of the Zaro kids may have taken it to school. When I got it back years later was thoroughly bleached white but sad to say it's two front teeth had dropped out. The 'Head' had lost all of it's ferocity and scary ness with two teeth missing. Once our Jedi imagined the 'Head" singing, All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth. No one knows what ever happened to the 'Head'. It will remain a mystery.
Well friends and neighbors that's the story of the horse head or should I say mule head and how it served in turning me from a wide eyed innocent acne faced adolescent into the hard Jedi Warrior Knight that I am today.
Jim